Another happy day at the ACT party

Oh deep joy, another fun day at the office for the crutch that continues to support the National government. For those who don't know New Zealand politics, ACT are 'the liberal party' - allegedly! In any proper democracy they would be to the right of National, the equivalent of the Conservatives or the Republicans. ACT's policies are very business orientated, anti-public ownership of anything and authoritarian when it comes to public safety, human rights, and most conveniently, law and order. Led by a pit bull terrier called Rodney Hide,  the party has six MP's, one elected (Mr. Hide) and five party seats. Mr. Hide came to power with two main political views; first was the creation of the Auckland super city, the second was a 'perk buster', out to name and shame public servants who were exploiting the system and spending tax payers money. This was great until he was caught dipping his hands into the purse - spending $21K taking his girlfriend overseas on an official trip.

More recently deputy leader Heather Roy was ousted - why? She dared criticize the leader labelling him a bully and a control freak. But nothing could match the buffoonery of their law and order spokesman David Garrett. The former Sensible Sentencing Trust legal advisor has been credited as the brains behind ACT's 'three strikes' policy, namely that on the third conviction you receive a life (25 year) sentence, regardless of the crime - how liberal!!

So what has Garrett done? Well, firstly it has been revealed he was convicted of assault in Tonga, involved in a street brawl, nice.... But then the clincher - inspired by the book The Day of the Jackal  Garrett thought he would do some espionage of his own - quite the little James Bond (ladies spot the likeness?) - and obtained the birth certificate of a deceased infant and acquired a fake passport.
"I foolishly undertook what I naively saw as a harmless prank, one that was to later have repercussions both for me personally and others who did not deserve to be hurt by my thoughtless actions," said Garrett.

So what of the ACT party now - quite simply they are an embarrassment, but unfortunately the government need them and their support to have a majority. If ever there was a reason to question democracy and the integrity of politicians this sorry example gives robust justification

So that's where my money goes....

It is quite astonishing how quickly your taxes are spent; it is also quite astonishing how much you can find on this internet thing! Whilst searching for some info I found this. Who would have guessed you could find, online, the detailed credit card spending of the CEO's of the twenty district health boards. Of course it would be remiss of me not to share with you the winners and losers in spending your hard earned cash. Don't get me wrong, those who know me are well aware that I am all for increasing public spending, but believe that this public spending should be targeted at improving the population, not filtered to people already earning decent six figure salaries. There is of course the argument that if you pay peanuts you get monkeys, hence CEO salaries need to be high to attract the right calibre required for these stressful positions.

First up is the winner of the 'Hey Big Spender' award - a close run this one; at first I thought it would be John Peters of the Nelson and Marlborough DHB, who amassed $31800 in two years (well 17c short of that to be precise); not bad for a CEO whose organisation is responsible for just 120000 people - that's nearly 30 cents per person on his credit card tab. Admittedly Mr. Peters does seem to pay for several of his senior staff members conference fees on his card, but nonetheless there are several evening meals as farewells, each at around $100 per attendee. However it is Chris Fleming, the CEO of New Zealand's fourth smallest DHB South Canterbury who is the overall winner. A staggering $39726 in two years - all for serving a population of just 55000; included in Mr. Fleming's account are the annual renewal of his membership of the Institute of Chartered Accountants (not once, not twice, but three times), membership of the Institute of Directors and attendance at several very expensive courses.

Commendations go out to several other CEO's, who have demonstrate less extravagance; Tairawhiti managed to keep two years of spending to under $1000, whilst even the megalithic Canterbury DHB was only $3000.

So the combined CEO's managed about half a million dollars on various food, drink, Ipod chargers, dry cleaning, gifts and various other important items. Good to know someone is using you health dollars well!

Infamy, part two....

So following on from the 'idiots who want their 15 minutes of fame' (the infamy article)  is Alex Stewart (his contact details are near the bottom should you wish to drop him an e-mail, although I suspect he may find himself unemployed pretty soon), who has shot to notoriety by using pages from the bible AND the koran to make ciggies (see here). In the clip, entitled Bible or Koran - which burns best? (you can search for it yourself!), the professed atheist says burning religious books is no big deal and people need to get over it. At least his reasons were far more sound that that muppet Pastor Terry Jones.

Far be it for me to condemn the actions, but this time I applaud some of his actions; as someone who despises the evils of tobacco I cannot condone the actions of Mr. Stewart of injuring his lungs with tobacco smoke. I do however hope his employers see this as a boyish prank and act sensibly with regard to his employment.

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre

Is it really that hard to follow? It is nearly 30 years since I began learning to drive and the expression "Mirror, signal, manoeuvre" still sticks in my head as being important. Whilst it is important to me, it seems many New Zealand motorists operate this in a different format.

Firstly, the mirror - in New Zealand this is apparently optional; the mirror is either unnecessary (presumably many motorists are vampires, hence have no need for a mirror). The other option is that it is used to view the carnage you have left behind.

The signal is also another work of art; why is it that most New Zealand drivers are incapable of using their indicators for the purpose they were intended, informing others of their intentions. Why is it that in New Zealand vehicles move into filter lanes and turning areas, but don't actually turn on the indicators until the vehicle is stopped and they are waiting to turn? There is a slight possibility that genetically kiwi drivers have developed ESP and are able to read the minds of the numb skulls who don't indicate properly. Alternatively, and more likely, is that Kiwi drivers can't multitask, struggling to drive an automatic Jap import AND switch on the indicators whilst moving. Maybe they haven't read the road code; as there seems to be an incredible amount of unlicensed drivers on the road this may be the case!

In the past few days I have counted over a dozen vehicles with out of date registration, no warrant of fitness or both. Having just spent $100 to make my daughters car legal I feel I must be the stupid one.

Infamy, Infamy, they've all got it in for me....

I wish I had written the headline above; it has in fact been voted the funniest one liner ever. It in fact was said by Kenneth Williams in the 1964 movie 'Carry on Cleo' - why the link to old age British comedy? Well, it seems to me that some people just really want to set themselves up to be complete arseholes, not that this is a bad thing (it gives me something to write about), but it is that they don't realise they are making a tit of themselves, and,they actually think they look clever.

In the past week two examples have provided some evidence. First is the Koran burning, bible bashing, pastor of Gainesville, Florida, in the good ole, red neck, south of the US of A. Whilst he may share the name of a Python actor, this 'Pastor Terry Jones' manages 34 million hits when you Google him. Not only does he have a comedy moustache, but his outlandish views have propelled him to a media frenzy, indeed infamy - infamous by virtue of have the race relations healing skills of a fireman with a tanker full of 91 octane, ready to spray in on the San Francisco gas fires. If you actually Google just 'Terry Jones', without the 'Pastor' you only get 64 million hits, therefore, by this rough estimate he is indeed bigger than Monty Python.

Example two only happened last night, but the dick in action this time operated in a far more covert manner, cue Robbie Deans, one time assistant All Black coach, Cantabrian (he has a stand named after him at their rugby ground), but now regrettably, or should that be happily, he is the coach of the Wobblies Wallabies. To be fair he has turned around a bunch of overweight, under achieving T-shirt designers and pie eaters into a bunch of nearly rans. It is the personal transformation that leaves much to be desired. Last night there was old Robbie singing along with the Aussie national anthem, and do you know what, he looked just like Kenneth Williams. To me it was like something out of a Carry On Film - and indeed it turned into Carry On Down Under as his team yet again capitulated, leaving the All Blacks to extend their winning run over Australia to 10 games (they haven't lost since Deans first game as coach in 2008).


As Warhol once said, everyone gets their fifteen minutes of fame; for me Deans fifteen minutes has been well and truly blemished by his singing last night. Pastor Terry Jones has experienced way too much publicity; I suspect he will be martyred by someone in the future,. by that time he will be living off the proceeds of his appearances on talk shows, the obligatory book deal and biopic of his life.

Daytime TV and radio advertising - the work of an evil empire?

Sat at home with a cold, I have been experiencing the joys of 'Good Morning' - it's your typical, cliche day time TV, aimed at the idle, the old and presumably the housewife. Like most day time TV shows around the world (they all adhere to the same format), they have the nice but dim male presenter - eye candy for the menopausal? - the badly dressed female, normally a failed newsreader or similar, devoid of intellect, but suitably bland for the audience. In NZ we have the addition of the token gay male; this seems to be the latest must have for any TV show (How to look good naked, Graham Norton, etc....).

Anyway, what is it with the 'advertorials' - the five minute product placement of bizarre and pointless inventions. First up was the steam mop - the link is the actual advert - wow, I didn't know steam could kill bacteria! We all hate those dangerous harsh chemicals, etc. FFS - let's all steam sterilize all of our homes, why bother having an immune system when you can sanitize.

Then there is my personal favourite, the Woolrest Biomag - wow, a fleecy sheepskin with magnets underneath that provides pain relief. Why do all the users have an average age of what looks like 80? Even more bizarre is that they claim 300000 New Zealand households have one - 300000 mugs taken for a ride. Of course there must be some efficacy? Their website has conduct a literature review and claims 75% of the studies claim that it is an effective form of pain relief.. Hang on, 11 out of 18 (their figures) demonstrated some improvement in pain relief, that means 7 out of 18 did NOTHING! Indeed, googling other papers it is apparent that the placebo effect readily occurs. One study used 'magnetic' insoles for plantar problems, and guess what, the placebo group had similar levels of pain relief than those who had magnets. Of course the author of the seminal Biomag research is from the Chiron Clinic - a bunch of naturopaths from Harley Street - hardly unbiased.

Contrast this with radio advertising; on the way home from the school run I heard, four times in 10 minutes, the same advert for a local bottle shop. They were offering a dozen Vodka Cruiser cans- 8% alcohol content, for just $21 - so the same alcohol content as 6 full bottles of wine for one green note and one gold coin. Now, I am not a prude, and I can talk with experience of being hammered at a young age, but never on drinks designed to taste like a soft drink. Everyone bleats about the drinking age needing to increase, how about actually looking at advertising? We have banned tobacco advertising and reduce point of sale displays, with the result of denormalising tobacco usage. Isn't it time that someone had the simple idea of stopping all alcohol advertising? Recent media coverage suggested that supermarkets and off licences are in fact new age drug dealers - I sniggered at this thought, but after hearing that advert I thought, you know what, they are make lots of cash from a whole lot of misery.

Don't steal my clubs colours Promise Keepers!!

Whilst out and about recently I observed several large banners for a group called 'The Promise Keepers". No, they aren't the latest house/hip hop fusion band, but yet another evangelical bunch of god botherers. Those that know me well will appreciate my views on religion, in particular evangelical Christianity. No surprises for guessing that they hail from the US, but in the land of the long white cloud (and the flocks of sheep), lots of 'men' are flocking to this bunch.

Whilst Tamaki and his black shirt wearing sycophants seem to have cornered the disenfranchised Maori and Pasifika communities, this mob seem to be after the real men; the rugby playing, dairy farming, National voting pakeha. So, what do they actually 'preach'

SEVEN PROMISES OF A PROMISE KEEPER

1. A Promise Keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer, and obedience to God's Word in the power of the Holy Spirit.
2. A Promise Keeper is committed to pursuing vital relationships with a few other men, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises.
3. A Promise Keeper is committed to practicing spiritual, moral, ethical, and sexual purity.
4. A Promise Keeper is committed to building a strong marriage and family through love, protection, and biblical values.
5. A Promise Keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honouring and praying for his pastor and by actively giving his time and resources.
6. A Promise Keeper is committed to reaching beyond any racial and denominational barriers to demonstrate the power of biblical unity.
7. A Promise Keeper is committed to influencing his world, being obedient to the Great Commandment (Mark 12:30,31) and the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19,20). 

The interpretation according to me.....

1. We all believe a fairy story
2. Are you sure you are not into hip hop, referring to everyone else as 'brother'
3. So they are environmentally friendly, caring and virgins!
4. Their wife looks like a pig
5. Ah, shades of Tamaki - pray for your Pastor (because he is doing no good and needs your forgiveness)
6. Convert everyone to Christianity - go be a missionary!
7. Read the fairy story and believe it - Darwin was evil!!!

I am happily waiting for the day when one of them is caught with his mouth around the phallus of one of the other 'devotees - it will happen! This lot are right up there with the Exclusive Brethren; indeed there male only clan reminds me of that other male bastion, the Taleban.

Lastly, their website is all blue, so can you please desist in using orange and black for your website; those are the colours of Ngongotaha AFC!